We are now over half way through our second month, and things seem to be going pretty good overall. We saw the doctor on Wednesday and found I had 6 eggs about 10mm at the time, the doctor wasn't concerned since I am a late ovulator..and sure enough I did go ahead and surge on my own Sunday at 4. Monday morning we did the first insemination and it all went off without a hitch, Owen was able to insert the catheter without any issues at all (except for cramping.. but that's just me, my cervix really hates to be touched), after we were done with our 4 a.m. insemination he cleaned up while I relaxed in bed, he left the room to wash the speculum and get it put away safely, when he returned he found the thing that shouldn't happen... apparently the vial that the sperm was in had rolled off the desk onto the floor, and there was Lulu, our little yorkie pup, happily licking and chewing away on it. We were both thoroughly grossed out, and I couldn't quit laughing, it was just all so ridiculous! I am now 3 dpi (days past insemination) and hoping that I can ignore things until it's time to test...I am thankful that there is so much to do during the two week wait, and am hoping that makes the time fly by much faster.
It's a rather difficult and yet blessed kind of situation when you find your dreams crashing down and beginning all over again the same day. That's what happens when you are TTC and AF arrives...all in the same day you must say goodbye to the dreams you held the previous month, and yet before the pee even dries on the stick, you are pushed into preparations for the next month. Sperm must be ordered and an estimation of when they should arrive made, the nurse that keeps account of your cycle must be called to be informed that it has all begun again and you are back to the start, then a plan must be made with your doctor for this next cycle. All of this before you even really have a chance to breath and recognize what has just taken place. Somehow though it's still an easier place to be then to know it's over but waiting for AF to show.. because in that space, no matter how much evidence you have been given that there will be no baby, you still pray and hope for some special miracle that will defy all the odds. Af is kind in her cruelty, for in a sense while she rips those dreams away, she makes sure we can't hold onto false hope, she pushed us back into the game, urging us to continue, when all we want to do right then is lick our wounds and cry out about the unfairness of it all. She doesn't allow us those moments though, she knows that nothing good comes of them, and that if we really hope to one day miss seeing her, we have to make those calls, let go of the past, and move forward towards the furture.
My temp dropped today, not below baseline, but close enough, and I'm cramping like mad, so pretty sure I'm out this cycle and AF will be showing up in the next 24 hours or so. Still, I'm glad I recorded everything this cycle, so I do have it for a reference for next cycle. Lots of things happened that weren't normal for me, I think the triphasic temps were possibly caused by a bug, which would also explain the dry heaving and nausea. I'm sad of course, and will spend the next day or so sad, this isn't as easy emotionally as I had hoped it would be, but deep down I knew it wouldn't be. I did test today, and it was negative, really negative. So we move onto the next cycle, I will be monitored better this next cycle with ultrasound at day 15, and an hCG trigger as long as everything is good to go, and I will make sure my sperm is here ahead of time this round.. so if all goes well I will know one way or another by New Years.
It's 1 a.m. right now, and I want to be in bed sleeping... looked forward to sleeping since about 5 p.m. Why am I up? Well first there was the 9:30 call from a friend, her husband had a seizure and she needed me to meet her at the clinic to help with the babies so she could be with him.. of course I said, pulling snow pants over my jammies and telling hubby to unplug the car and warm it up...we were back home about an hour later and I headed to bed, sweet dreams were calling my name. I snuggled down and waited to drift off... then my hips started hurting, so I flipped over on my belly.. that made my heartburn worse and my stomach start cramping, so over onto my side, still have heartburn issues and now my hip is hurting even worse. About midnight Dh came to bed to find me still awake tossing and turning, he asked if he could do anything to help and I asked for some tums, the heartburn was getting worse even on my back now, partly propped up. So he brought be some, I chewed, swallowed, and sighed.. surely now I'll get that sleep I want...then I realized, I have to fricken pee!!!! I try to ignore it, but as I lay there I realize the heartburn is also returning, so decide to kill two birds with one stone. Up to empty my bladder (no I'm not frequently urinating, at least I wasn't.. this may or may not be a thing?) and then take another couple of tums... heart burn gone, check, bladder empty, check..maybe I can finally get some sleep.. settle in and feel myself drifting, and then a new uncomfortable sensation starts to replace the heartburn.. nausea.. try to ignore it, but it's not easing up, it's getting worse.. then Dh turns over in bed.. and that was all she wrote.. up to the bathroom where I spent the last 10 minutes hunched over the toilet dry heaving into it... note to self, if one must throw up, please at least make sure there is something in there to throw up! So now here I sit.. belly seems to feel better, and I've decided I won't be returning to bed.. the couch looks much more inviting tonight...I told Baby Mine, tonight as I lay in bed, he could make himself known any time...if this is his doing.. well all I can say is he got his humor from me!
We live in a fishing village, fish and caribou are the main staples of most people's diet here, supplemented with moose, various types of fowl, and the occasional beaver. Of course none of this comes in pretty supermarket packages, you have to do the dirty work. When it comes to dealing with fish that is my job, I clean them and cook them generally. Until today. A gentleman brought us 3 beautiful lush fish (same family as catfish) some of my family's favorite fish, yum! I have been dealing with feeling dizzy since yesterday and today nausea has set in...so I suggested that maybe Dh should deal with filleting the fish, problem was, he had no idea how to go about it, and Lush have an odd kind of skin (its slipper kind of like an eel) and an odd body shape, so he was really lost. I finally jumped in to help, fearful of ruining all that yummy fish meat (never mind that at the moment the thought of cooking that meat was making my stomach roll)....handled that fine, showed him how, handed the controls back over, planning to supervise...and then the smell hit me, and I ended up bent over a toilet...never has butchering anything made me gag or even a little nauseous...so a good sign, I dare hope! Did I mention I have also been super dizzy the last two days, and umm a bit gassy...boobies are still sore and I am biting my nails until testing day! Got to go for now, stomach is rolling again...am I crazy that this nausea makes me smile just a bit?
I'm not feeling extremely negative about things, yet.. but woke up today and without going into details you don't I'm having a pre menstrual symptom...not happy! My breasts were killing me yesterday, today so far not as much, still tender but not as bad as they were yesterday... however not to strip all hope away, I am quite dizzy this morning, and a bit queasy (which probably is due to being dizzy). Officially in the last week of my TWW so still trying to stay positive about it all but I think mentally I'm starting to gear up for a let down!
My daughter gave me a hug last night, I pulled away startled, her hug was a bit uncomfortable... because my boobies were a little sore... fast forward to this morning, they are definitely sore today.. not horribly sore, just tender and sensitive...this is not a PMS symptom...and I am becoming more optimistic and less cautious!!! Stuffy nose is still here...and I have become a bit impatient and irritable, I catch myself snipping and it upsets me, my boys and Dh don't deserve to be snipped at, it's just me...but none the less, I keep doing it, and only after the fact do I realize I did it again...sigh..of course that could be PMS.
Ok so this post might be a bit much for some people, if you have a sensitive tummy, can't handle bodily functions, or just don't want to even think of me that way... please skip! This is for my records, if I am pregnant, its so I can remember those early days when all I had was hope, and if I'm not, I want to remember what I felt like so I can compare it the next cycle.
I've been off and on crampy for most of this cycle, but on 4 DPI the cramps became very menstrual like wrapping around to my back and making me extremely uncomfortable. They were gone by morning, only to return, just not as bad, last night 5DPI. This morning is 6 DPI and I went to bed last night with a stuffy nose, got up this morning with same stuffy nose, despite my breath right strips I tried out, feel like I have an attack of allergies coming on. Cramping is mild this morning. I had a short lived severe headache hit me last night..what was that all about? I don't know but it was followed a little later by a dizzy spell that lasted only a second or two.. felt like my brain shook inside my head...weird! No breast tenderness, not overly emotional, not frequently peeing, and not overly tired...
My cervix was putting off quite a bit of mucus yesterday, it was a mixture of kind of stringy and creamy...was quite a large amount of it! Cervix also rose back up yesterday, it had dropped low, now it is more medium. Ok that's it.. enough analyzing.. but really it is for my future sanity LOL!
Just a little over a week now before I am finished with my first two week wait. I had a day yesterday, it felt like the waiting would never end, I wanted to do something so badly I even contemplated taking a test, any test would do.. just so I could do something, anything to pass this time. Of course I realize how incredibly silly this would be, no test would show anything yet and would just be a waste. Interesting but probably of no significance.. none the less I am noting it here, just in case I have to do this again next month. I want to remember. I have been cramping since starting Clomid, but sometime late yesterday the cramping stopped, and stayed away until this afternoon while I was on the phone with my friend, A.. then wham it started up again, and now I feel like I am days away from starting the dreaded period...and in reality I could be, I usually do within 11 days of Ovulation...I hope I'm not though, I still believe Aunt Flo won't show her nasty face this month.. and instead the cramping will be followed by 9 months of bloating!
Today marks the first day of the TWW, I wonder how well I will deal with it? So far I am doing ok, although I find myself already looking up early signs and other questions related to pregnancy. It's been an amazing journey this month and we are still staying with positive thoughts. I asked Dh last night if he thought he would be comfortable doing an at home IUI next time, and he just calmly said, there isn't going to be a next time. Friends you must understand how unlike him that is. Always he has been the voice of sanity when we have tried before, reminding me not to get my hopes up, reminding me that there is a good chance it won't happen. He has never dreamed of a future child (He dreamed that he was visiting family with his son, only to quote him, "It wasn't any of my current sons." He said he was about five years old and looked like us) I have to restate, this is not like my DH at all...Now we wait, and according to DH until we are told otherwise, I'm pregnant as far as he's concerned LOL! Did I mention his first words to me today was asking me how I felt, and if I was doing ok.. so sweet.. too soon, but soooo sweet!
My body was so cooperative it held off ovulating until this morning, unfortunately the swimmers hadn't arrived still.. and then we got the call.. they were waiting at the post office, just a few hours (about 4) after I had felt the ovulation pains...and not only were they waiting, so was my preseed so I had approved lubricant for the speculum (sorry if that TMI) and to put up in the syringe to help get all the sperm out! So I am no officially in my TWW (two week wait) and am still feeling very positive about it all despite the bumps along the way!
I'm in a lot of pain today, but it's a good pain, even though I got the positive OPK yesterday morning my body still hasn't ovulated, which is very very good...because my swimmers have still not arrived! Deep breathing is very helpful for dealing with the discomfort and while I will be glad for my ovaries to return to normal, I am just as thankful right now that they are holding their precious cargo in another day...hopefully tomorrow everything will be a go! So glad I temped this month so I know what's going on, otherwise I would be completely devastated thinking my window of opportunity had passed...but as long as my temps stay down there's still hope!
I got a positive OPK today, that normally would be fantastic news.. happy happy joy joy.. except my swimmers aren't here, and probably won't be here until tomorrow at the earliest. I want to cry right now, I feel like somehow my body failed again, even though I know that my body isn't failing at all, it's doing exactly what it's suppose to do...I just failed on the timing part of things. I need those positive thoughts, I need my swimmers... I need this month not to be a total bust, again. Positive thoughts please come back!
Well legal or not it's a possibility gotta love life in the bush! My swimmers have finally shipped and with any luck should arrive by no later then Friday. Assuming they arrive on time they will be delivered by our local UPS/FedEx pickup guy who always takes any packages addressed to me or Dh straight to his classroom....so there will be swimmers in the school.. more then there is normally...sitting next to my husband's desk while he teaches.. Awkward! LOL! Now I just have to hang in there for 3 more days and hopefully we will have everything we need and I can finally breath a sigh of relief! I told my friend A, that I'm not really sure why I keep getting upset and stressed, if it's meant to be everything will work out. She laughed and said "Yeah Right!" oh how I love her ability to understand and make me laugh! Intellectual meet heart, and guess what heart wins! Intellectually I know that if it's really meant to be it will all go ok, but that doesn't stop my heart from worrying that something will mess it all up! Hurry up swimmers and get here so we can make a baby together!
So clomid sucks but like I said before sooo worth it if my little one is coming from this! I am in pain everyday and I am staying away from drugs, with the exception of benedryl (my allergies love me for that!) which means I'm not taking any pain meds.. and it takes a lot of will power to stay away from pain pills by the end of the day! I've been substitute teaching this week, fourth grade which includes my two youngest boys and by the end of the day I just want to curl up on the couch! My swimmers are suppose to ship on Monday but apparently I gave NW the wrong credit card and so it didn't go through.. this means I have to get up at about 4 a.m. my time to call them Monday with the right number and hope they are still able to ship Monday! Still even with the little bumps it seems the stars are lining up for our baby to finally come home.
So having said all that how exactly do I believe the stars may finally be lining up for our sweet baby?
Reason #1: The extra pain of clomid seems to be nothing but good news that my ovaries are working hard to produce some beautiful eggs and that makes me very happy.
Reason #2: Early this cycle I had a dream and while most of my dreams are just that, dreams occasionally I have one that seems to actually mean something. Case in point 10 years ago one October morning I woke up and informed my husband I saw our baby, could see his sweet smiling face...we had tried that month to get pregnant so I thought that meant I was, when aunt flow showed her ugly face I decided the dream meant nothing, 2 weeks later Family Services called and asked if we would foster 4 children, 3 of them in diapers still. We said yes and the end of that week we went to the office to pick up the youngest of the four, a 6 week old little boy. When I pulled back the blanket I gasped and whispered to my husband, that is the baby I dreamed about! Now mind you they were suppose to be just foster children so I was very confused.. that little dream is now my ten year old very active son. He was born around the time I had the dream.
So back to present day, and why this dream was so different then the million other odd dreams I have been having lately. I dreamed I was in labor, everyone that was suppose to be there was and we were waiting for the big event, but nothing was progressing so we decided to go walking and me being a chick suggested we go to the Mall...while we were at the mall I began to freak out because my mom was with us, and she was a Sabbath keeper ( a Sabbath keeper keeps Saturday as a holy day). The dream very much focused on her being a Sabbath keeper (my mom is not a Sabbath keeper so that part made me really chuckle) . Why was this important, obviously the dream was trying to tell me that Saturday was an important day...flash forward to relating the dream to my mom.. I looked up what my due would be if I conceived this cycle...August 11th, 2012 which happens to fall on a Saturday! My mom got chills and I did too...
Reason #3: I couldn't really get that dream out of my head and it happened that a board I visited began a discussion on TTC psychics so I decided what the heck I'll give this lady (Cheri22) a try. She wrote me back and said she saw November as being either the month our son would be born in, the month he was conceived in, or the month we would find out. Ok so that confirmed my dream and the description she gave of our son was amazing! I wrote her back and told her how much our son sounded like us and how many genetic traits she had described when talking about him. I ended the letter with a request, I told her I didn't know how this all works, but if she happened to see him again, please tell him to hurry home and his name is M. She wrote me back and told me when she read his name, chills ran through her and that almost always meant our child was on his way immediately!
Reason #4: Things miraculously lined up for my friend. A and I have been friends since my youngest was not quite a year old. She has been there for me through the ups and down roller coaster that we rode to adopting them, she was there through our many failed attempts to get pregnant, and she was there when we decided it wasn't time anymore. We drifted apart, but somehow we found each other again and our friendship is stronger and better then it ever has been. Now we are both at a point in our lives where we are ready to try again, and while we have been at that point for over a year for various reasons it just kept not happening for either of us, we planned and talked, gave up and recommitted...and then we knew this month was going to be it for me and thought she would have to wait a couple more months due to a nasty evil cyst.. and then she found out the cyst was gone and she could try this month.. and because of how both our cycles run we will be just days apart in our insemination dates and our testing dates. It's so nice not to be walking this road alone and to know that someone is there, just a phone call away that gets it all and won't yell at me for complaining to much or crying too much, or not crying enough. Friends that last are such a rare find, and I have no doubt that this is a friendship that will last until we are both old grannies! I can't quite decide who I'm more excited for myself or her... I can't wait to hear that she has a BFP!
Having said all that, how am I gearing up for failure.. well honestly I'm not I am surrounding myself with positive energy and if somehow it ends up not being I will deal with that then. I know from experience everything has a reason and a time.. but I also am certain that this is our time, both of us...we are going to go through this journey together as only friends who have both struggled with TTC can!
Day 9 of the cycle has come and almost gone and a few odd things have occurred. I feel fat, as in my jeans are barely fitting, they are tight and uncomfortable..and since we haven't even gotten our little swimmers yet I know exactly what isn't the problem...which leaves me blaming clomid. I don't remember having this issue before when I was on clomid so it tends to make me a little nervous. Along with not hardly fitting my jeans (and I've actually lost a pound in the last 3 weeks..I checked today so it's not weight gain) I am also feeling quite crampy...that's not pleasant at all.. again don't remember this problem last time.. but I was quite a bit younger at the time so maybe that's it. Oh and yes I took gas pills just in case that was the issue.. it isn't! Then I did my pee on the OPK stick ritual.. and was shocked to find a smiley face staring back at me.. WTH? No way I am ovulating on day 9 of my cycle, a frantic call to a friend later and a cervical check and I'm fairly certain it's a false positive, I don't want false anything, I don't want false positives, false symptoms I want only the real thing is that really too much to ask? So here I sit, bloated, and crampy and freaked out and nothing to do about any of it but wait.. ewww
This post isn't for those lucky ladies who blink and get pregnant...you know like the one who conceived me, or the sisters that I am blessed to be surrounded by. It's nothing against you, in fact I am positively green with envy at your unique ability to accidentally get knocked up, I wish I were you! If you haven't had to try to get pregnant you can't imagine the mental games it plays with you! Right now I am watching time crawl by...I swear every day feels like a week right now...and when the clock is finished playing with me and we finally get to put the swimmers in, then my mind really gets to go into over drive...wake up feeling a bit nauseous... might be pregnant, feel a little extra sleepy.. might be a sign, have the sniffles, yep that could be it you might be pregnant.. heck even a fart could be that one little sign you are anxiously awaiting for... I swear I won't do it.. but deep down there is a little wicked voice laughing at my declarations, because it knows...when it comes to ttc we all go a little crazy! Waiting sucks, guessing sucks...trying to get pregnant really sucks...why couldn't I be like my sisters or mom and get pregnant from a wink!
After all the frustration of having to wait, the waiting is finally over....kind of... We are doing an at home insemination this month (my doctor is going to be out of town so he decided to just do another test run...we decided to make it a bit more then a test)! The swimmers are paid for and will arrive around November 18th..which is day 18 of my cycle, I ovulate on day 20-22...so lets just pray mother nature cooperates. Now we wait for me to ovulate, and for the swimmers to arrive in Akiak.. then we wait for them to make it to the egg and for that big beautiful positive sign to show up on the pregnancy test! I am surrounding myself with positive energy, no negative thoughts allowed, this is our month we will get pregnant this month! I bought a shirt for my youngest today, that felt amazing, especially after watching him with a little 10 month old that I babysat last week, all week.. He is going to be an awesome big brother and I can't wait to give him his shirt and tell him he is finally getting what he has been praying for since he was little! I won't reveal too many details about the shirt, but I look forward to showing him wearing it very soon....
This month has proved to be another month of ups and downs. Our doctor decided to do a test run of clomid to see if I would ovulate on my own with it, so I started 50mgs on day 3-7 and then began testing with an opk on day 8...I was certain nothing would come of it, and day after day of negatives confirmed my fears. Having PCOS means that tests like OPK's as well as pregnancy tests, don't work right, positives are just not something I get, ever. Then day 22 the impossible happened.. I found myself staring down at a smiley face!! Woohoo! Success!!
As giddy as I was you would have thought it was a positive pregnancy test! I called my doctor's office as soon as it opened (from school, I was substituting that day for the science/math teacher) and then the coaster plummeted back down....the doctor wants to do another trial run this next cycle as well, he won't be available to do an insemination and he wants to make sure I am regular. I explained that according to my temps I always ovulate around day 22..but that was that, he was going to be out of town and we would have to wait until December's cycle to do an insem. I am so tired of waiting.. I understand it, but hate it... then talked to hubby and he suggested that we do an in home insemination this month...I thought about it and thought, why not? No harm would be done, worse case scenario we don't get pregnant and it's money down the drain, but we both decided it was worth the try..there are no guarantees even doing it in the doctor's office that it will take..so this next month is it.. we will officially be trying....and if it doesn't work (and I am thinking positive thoughts right now.. one shot wonder!) then we will be trying the following month with the doctor! Wish us luck!
I posted last time about the frustrations of finding my tube blocked and was waiting on news for the rest. My doctor referred me to a physician closer to home, and he agreed to take my case on! The good news is that he is just one plane flight/boat ride/ ice road drive, away and that is going to cut our expenses tremendously down. The bad news is he is not a specialist, however my Anchorage doctor has agreed to consult with him on my case, and he has top fertility specialists from Washington that he is also consulting with. The hsg test revealed more then just a blocked tube, I also had some polyps in my uterus, so my new doctor brought me in and had those removed, fortunately they were small enough that he doesn't expect any scar tissue issues from them. My FSH test was great, my numbers he said were fabulous, but my progesterone test was a different story, no signs of me ovulating. This could be because Aunt Flow decided to show her face 12 hours after the test, ahead of schedule. This month we are doing a trial run of Clomid to see if he can get me to ovulate on my own, I took 50 mgs, on cycle days 3-7...I'm now on cycle day 16 and no positive OPK...I'm so frustrated some days I just want to cry, I want one thing to go right..just one! I feel so discouraged right now, like this is never going to happen, we are never even going to get to the point of having the two week wait.. I want to be crying over a failed cycle, not over the fact that another cycle has gone by with nothing happening at all. If I don't ovulate this month, then he is upping me to 100mg, and we will try again next month, but I am thinking of suggesting we actually do a HCG trigger this next month, enough experimenting, I want sperm in me and I want it now!
On another note, I was thinking of changing the tone of my blog, I really would like to start writing letters to my baby, I need something positive right now, negative energy is not going to help us meet the little soul that is waiting to join us. I decided to keep this blog as it is though, and start a different one, one entirely dedicated to our baby, and the journey to meet him or her. This blog will remain just my place to share my ups and downs.
I will include a link to that blog when it is up but may decide to make it private later. I am also including a link to my family blog on here, but please if you read there, respect our privacy we are not sharing with everyone our journey, so you will see no mention of fertility treatments or anything else over there, nor will you see a link to this blog there for the same reason, we went that route years ago, having so many people know and constantly asking us questions was painful and we choose not to do that again. It is just a simple family blog about our life in Bush Alaska.
The doctor's visit finally came, and went, and well it wasn't what we were hoping for at all! I loved the doctor and his staff, they were all great. They were concerned of course with our location and the technicality of doing it but he said it was something he was willing to try to work with. He gave us the name of a doctor with the same credentials as him, but closer to us, in Bethel. He says he is willing to consult with the doctor if he will take the case, so crossing my fingers that works. We went over how each cycle would go and the tests he wants run before we begin. He ordered and HSG test for the next morning. This test involves injecting dye into the uterus through a catheter and then xraying so they can see the path the dye takes and check to see if both fallopian tubes are open as well as if the uterus is normal shaped and healthy. I wasn't the least bit nervous about the test, figured it would be painless. Showed up on time and they got me right in, everything went smooth, but the pain took me by complete surprise, the worst menstrual cramps of my life, not to mention some really sharp pains as well. I got through it though and then the bad news came. It appears I have one fallopian tube that is blocked. Still waiting on news from the doctor's office about it. I know I can still get pregnant with just one tube, but still feel so sad by the news. I wanted everything to go smoothly, felt that having PCOS was enough of a road block, now we have this on top of it all! Praying that it turns out to be a no brainer, I mean you only need one egg to get pregnant, and I do have one good tube, the dye flowed through it beautifully! I need the next few things to go well though, I have a progesterone test in a few days, expect that one to be bad, then on day 3 of my next cycle they are doing a FSH test, to make sure I have eggs. Crossing my fingers for that one, that would be a horrible blow. So our feet are wet now, we stepped into the river of infertility treatments, praying its a calm river and just a quick trip before we land on the beach of pregnancy ( I have spent too much time on the water I think).
My friend laughed at me yesterday, said it was a bit backwards that I was starting college and trying to have a baby. Made me realize that this would be exactly what we preach against to kids all the times... students having babies, how hard it is to go to school with a baby. I think the biggest difference, besides the fact that I'm a bit older then most students (Don't pop my bubble, I try to pretend I'm still young!) is that I am doing my college online, so it is more at my own pace. In fact 3/4th of my Early Childhood Education class has small children or babies, so if they can do it so can I! I'm so excited to be back in school, a college degree is something I never thought I would have, never really wanted it too much, I am quite happy being a stay at home mom, however as I get older (there I admitted it!) and my husband gets older mortality and reality both show up on the big screen in HD quality! If something happened to my husband I want to know that I can give my children a good life, besides I preach education to my kids all of the time, now is the time to set a good example by finishing my own education. I am currently working on an Associate Degree in Early Childhood Education, but hope to finish with a Master's degree in Elementary education. I would love to teach Elementary school, those are some of my favorite years, besides the pre-school years ( I adore pre-schoolers!). Who am I kidding I pretty much love all but the teen years, and there are even some things about the teen years I adore!
So hopefully class now will help divert my attention to this horrible wait for my first appointment and relieve a bit of the blah's I've bee feeling lately!
The waiting is killing me, I feel like I'm in limbo right now, I want to have answers, dates, besides the date I have already of course. The longer I wait the more pessimistic I feel. I keep thinking why should this time be any different, am I just setting myself up for another round of disappointment and heartbreak? When I made the appointment and sent in all the paperwork I was so optimistic, now I am struggling to stay that way, and we haven't even started yet! I know things are much better then what they were in the fertility field, they know so much more now, I am healthier then I have ever been, but still it can't help feeling a bit like winning the lottery, and well I don't play because that's how bad my luck is in those kind of things! I am happy, I love my children and if I never give birth my world won't end, and I won't become a miserable unhappy person for lack of a baby, so why do I think it's a good idea to go here emotionally? Am I being fair to my family? Sigh, sometimes my brain really just needs to shut up! So today I am seeing the glass half empty, hopefully tomorrow it will be half full again!
The last week has been crazy in our house. Dh, O's parents came up for a visit and summer school officially started. Life here is all about community, and besides the personal changes I have started finding acceptance in the community, finally! Apparently being here a year and living here over the summer starts people thinking that maybe you really do want to be here. They are right, we have no intentions of moving again in the near future. Is life hard here, in some way definitely, in others, not so much. We don't have the pressures that life in the lower 48 have, everyone is a lot more laid back about most things. On the downside you can't run to the store for anything, so you have to always plan ahead and shop accordingly, or in our case if you are trying for a baby, budget accordingly. We not only have to plan on fees for the clinic, we also have to budget for plane flights, hotel costs, eating out and that adds a lot to the expense of trying to have a baby in the Bush.
I digress though, amidst the chaos of company, school, and general life (being accepted means being invited to do really cool things like help cut up fish) we finally got a call from the fertility clinic. They received all of our paperwork and we could set up our first appointment. It's official I see the doctor on August 4th at 2 p.m.!!! Yeah! I am tired of waiting to get started and ready to actually be in the middle of a different kind of chaos. We look to the appointment with a mixture of excitement and fear. I know the roller coaster that is waiting, and yet I have so much hope that this time it's going to end in something really amazing, all signs point towards this being our time to get a Big Fat Positive (here out referred to as the elusive BFP). I am praying and visualizing and working hard to make it happen. I have been exercising (ok so not for the last week I failed there) and have been losing weight, focusing on getting as healthy as possible. My cycles have for the first time since I was 16 been regular for six months now.. I have to believe it has to do with all the work I've put in. So here we go, are you ready to ride the coaster with us? All aboard! I'm certain it will be bumpy and scary, and exciting, and all will end with a huge smile on our face!
I've lost about 40 pounds in the last year, yeah me, go me...lots of work and skipping desserts involved. Finally about 6 months ago I saw the first signs of a really positive thing happening (besides being in a size 12 jean.. smallest I've been since high school!) I started having regular periods.. I mean full blown, pms, sore boobs, bleed for a week periods. What was it like before? I only bled once maybe twice a year unless the doctor started me up.. I would spot for weeks then have a good flow for a week, then nothing for the next several months.. I wasn't complaining, didn't want a baby right then so it was all good, but in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't, I knew I wanted more children one day.
So back to present day, I had four good regular periods, then last month, nothing, I cramped for two weeks, but Aunt Flo never showed her face. I was discouraged, we had decided now was the time to try again for that baby we so desperately want, and my body was failing me again. I thought, all the hard work to lose the weight and in the end it did me no good at all..
So imagine my surprise when at midnight after another week of cramping I went to the bathroom and discovered..wait for it... yep Blood! I may be one of the rare women who is thrilled to be bleeding...I welcome the cramps and bloating...it means my body is doing what it's suppose to do...Now we wait for the Infertility clinic to contact us so we can set up an appointment...I hate all the waiting involved in this, but if one day I get my Big Fat Positive it will all be worth it!
The logistics of trying to conceive in the Bush village of Alaska are scary, but I am hoping we can work it all out. For those not familiar with it, I live in a village that is fly in and fly out only, except in the summer, we can take a boat to the nearest town, then still have to fly out to Anchorage. In the winter by December or January we are able to drive on the ice road, but again still have to fly on to Anchorage. So we decided to do the insemination at the clinic, but that may change if the doctors there think it's better to do it at home. We shall see. I plan on having the baby in Anchorage as I can use a midwife and birthing clinic, I really wanted a home birth, but there are times here when you can't get out of the village, period no flights, no boats, no road and I think that is just too risky for my comfort level. So a birthing clinic is the next best choice. I think I am skipping way ahead though, I keep trying to reign myself in with all the planning and what if's.. it's so hard though, baby thoughts are running through my brain all the time and we haven't even done one cycle here yet.
