Trying in the Bush

This month has proved to be another month of ups and downs.  Our doctor decided to do a test run of clomid to see if I would ovulate on my own with it, so I started 50mgs on day 3-7 and then began testing with an opk on day 8...I was certain nothing would come of it, and day after day of negatives confirmed my fears.  Having PCOS means that tests like OPK's as well as pregnancy tests, don't work right, positives are just not something I get, ever.  Then day 22 the impossible happened.. I found myself staring down at a smiley face!! Woohoo! Success!!

As giddy as I was you would have thought it was a positive pregnancy test!  I called my doctor's office as soon as it opened (from school, I was substituting that day for the science/math teacher) and then the coaster plummeted back down....the doctor wants to do another trial run this next cycle as well, he won't be available to do an insemination and he wants to make sure I am regular.  I explained that according to my temps I always ovulate around day 22..but that was that, he was going to be out of town and we would have to wait until December's cycle to do an insem.  I am so tired of waiting.. I understand it, but hate it... then talked to hubby and he suggested that we do an in home insemination this month...I thought about it and thought, why not? No harm would be done, worse case scenario we don't get pregnant and it's money down the drain, but we both decided it was worth the try..there are no guarantees even doing it in the doctor's office that it will take..so this next month is it.. we will officially be trying....and if it doesn't work (and I am thinking positive thoughts right now.. one shot wonder!) then we will be trying the following month with the doctor!  Wish us luck!

I posted last time about the frustrations of finding my tube blocked and was waiting on news for the rest.  My doctor referred me to a physician closer to home, and he agreed to take my case on! The good news is that he is just one plane flight/boat ride/ ice road drive, away and that is going to cut our expenses tremendously down.  The bad news is he is not a specialist, however my Anchorage doctor has agreed to consult with him on my case, and he has top fertility specialists from Washington that he is also consulting with.  The hsg test revealed more then just a blocked tube, I also had some polyps in my uterus, so my new doctor brought me in and had those removed, fortunately they were small enough that he doesn't expect any scar tissue issues from them.  My FSH test was great, my numbers he said were fabulous, but my progesterone test was a different story, no signs of me ovulating.  This could be because Aunt Flow decided to show her face 12 hours after the test, ahead of schedule.  This month we are doing a trial run of Clomid to see if he can get me to ovulate on my own, I took 50 mgs, on cycle days 3-7...I'm now on cycle day 16 and no positive OPK...I'm so frustrated some days I just want to cry, I want one thing to go right..just one!  I feel so discouraged right now, like this is never going to happen, we are never even going to get to the point of having the two week wait.. I want to be crying over a failed cycle, not over the fact that another cycle has gone by with nothing happening at all.  If I don't ovulate this month, then he is upping me to 100mg, and we will try again next month, but I am thinking of suggesting we actually do a HCG trigger this next month, enough experimenting, I want sperm in me and I want it now!
On another note, I was thinking of changing the tone of my blog, I really would like to start writing letters to my baby, I need something positive right now, negative energy is not going to help us meet the little soul that is waiting to join us.  I decided to keep this blog as it is though, and start a different one, one entirely dedicated to our baby, and the journey to meet him or her.  This blog will remain just my place to share my ups and downs.
I will  include a link to that blog when it is up but may decide to make it private later.   I am also  including a link to my family blog on here, but please if you read there, respect our privacy we are not sharing with everyone our journey, so you will see no mention of fertility treatments or anything else over there, nor will you see a link to this blog there for the same reason, we went that route years ago, having so many people know and constantly asking us questions was painful and we choose not to do that again.  It is just a simple family blog about our life in Bush Alaska.

The doctor's visit finally came, and went, and well it wasn't what we were hoping for at all!  I loved the doctor and his staff, they were all great.  They were concerned of course with our location and the technicality of doing it but he said it was something he was willing to try to work with. He gave us the name of a doctor with the same credentials as him, but closer to us, in Bethel.  He says he is willing to consult with the doctor if he will take the case, so crossing my fingers that works.  We went over how each cycle would go and the tests he wants run before we begin.  He ordered and HSG test for the next morning.  This test involves injecting dye into the uterus through a catheter and then xraying so they can see the path the dye takes and check to see if both fallopian tubes are open as well as if the uterus is normal shaped and healthy.  I wasn't the least bit nervous about the test, figured it would be painless.  Showed up on time and they got me right in, everything went smooth, but the pain took me by complete surprise, the worst menstrual cramps of my life, not to mention some really sharp pains as well.  I got through it though and then the bad news came.  It appears I have one fallopian tube that is blocked. Still waiting on news from the doctor's office about it.  I know I can still get pregnant with just one tube, but still feel so sad by the news. I wanted everything to go smoothly, felt that having PCOS was enough of a road block, now we have this on top of it all! Praying that it turns out to be a no brainer, I mean you only need one egg to get pregnant, and I do have one good tube, the dye flowed through it beautifully!  I need the next few things to go well though, I have a progesterone test in a few days, expect that one to be bad, then on day 3 of my next cycle they are doing a FSH test, to make sure I have eggs.  Crossing my fingers for that one, that would be a horrible blow.  So our feet are wet now, we stepped into the river of infertility treatments, praying its a calm river and just a quick trip before we land on the beach of pregnancy ( I have spent too much time on the water I think).

My friend laughed at me yesterday, said it was a bit backwards that I was starting college and trying to have a baby.  Made me realize that this would be exactly what we preach against to kids all the times... students having babies, how hard it is to go to school with a baby.  I think the biggest difference, besides the fact that I'm a bit older then most students (Don't pop my bubble, I try to pretend I'm still young!) is that I am doing my college online, so it is more at my own pace.  In fact 3/4th of my Early Childhood Education class has small children or babies, so if they can do it so can I!  I'm so excited to be back in school, a college degree is something I never thought I would have, never really wanted it too much, I am quite happy being a stay at home mom, however as I get older (there I admitted it!) and my husband gets older mortality and reality both show up on the big screen in HD quality!  If something happened to my husband I want to know that I can give my children a good life, besides I preach education to my kids all of the time, now is the time to set a good example by finishing my own education.  I am currently working on an Associate Degree in Early Childhood Education, but hope to finish with a Master's degree in Elementary education.  I would love to teach Elementary school, those are some of my favorite years, besides the pre-school years ( I adore pre-schoolers!).  Who am I kidding I pretty much love all but the teen years, and there are even some things about the teen years I adore!
So hopefully class now will help divert my attention to this horrible wait for my first appointment and relieve a bit of the blah's I've bee feeling lately!

The waiting is killing me, I feel like I'm in limbo right now, I want to have answers, dates, besides the date I have already of course.  The longer I wait the more pessimistic I feel.  I keep thinking why should this time be any different, am I just setting myself up for another round of disappointment and heartbreak?   When I made the appointment and sent in all the paperwork I was so optimistic, now I am struggling to stay that way, and we haven't even started yet!  I know things are much better then what they were in the fertility field, they know so much more now, I am healthier then I have ever been, but still it can't help feeling a bit like winning the lottery, and well I don't play because that's how bad my luck is in those kind of things!  I am happy, I love my children and if I never give birth my world won't end, and I won't become a miserable unhappy person for lack of a baby, so why do I think it's a good idea to go here emotionally?  Am I being fair to my family?  Sigh, sometimes my brain really just needs to shut up!  So today I am seeing the glass half empty, hopefully tomorrow it will be half full again!

The last week has been crazy in our house.  Dh, O's parents came up for a visit and summer school officially started.  Life here is all about community, and besides the personal changes I have started finding acceptance in the community, finally!  Apparently being here a year and living here over the summer starts people thinking that maybe you really do want to be here.  They are right, we have no intentions of moving again in the near future.  Is life hard here, in some way definitely, in others, not so much.  We don't have the pressures that life in the lower 48 have, everyone is a lot more laid back about most things.  On the downside you can't run to the store for anything, so you have to always plan ahead and shop accordingly, or in our case if you are trying for a baby, budget accordingly.  We not only have to plan on fees for the clinic, we also have to budget for plane flights, hotel costs, eating out and that adds a lot to the expense of trying to have a baby in the Bush. 
I digress though, amidst the chaos of company, school, and general life (being accepted means being invited to do really cool things like help cut up fish) we finally got a call from the fertility clinic.  They received all of our paperwork and we could set up our first appointment.  It's official I see the doctor on August 4th at 2 p.m.!!! Yeah!  I am tired of waiting to get started and ready to actually be in the middle of a different kind of chaos.  We look to the appointment with a mixture of excitement and fear.  I know the roller coaster that is waiting, and yet I have so much hope that this time it's going to end in something really amazing, all signs point towards this being our time to get a Big Fat Positive (here out referred to as the elusive BFP).  I am praying and visualizing and working hard to make it happen.  I have been exercising (ok so not for the last week I failed there) and have been losing weight, focusing on getting as healthy as possible.  My cycles have for the first time since I was 16 been regular for six months now.. I have to believe it has to do with all the work I've put in.  So here we go, are you ready to ride the coaster with us?  All aboard! I'm certain it will be bumpy and scary, and exciting, and all will end with a huge smile on our face!

I've lost about 40 pounds in the last year, yeah me, go me...lots of work and skipping desserts involved.  Finally about 6 months ago I saw the first signs of a really positive thing happening (besides being in a size 12 jean.. smallest I've been since high school!) I started having regular periods.. I mean full blown, pms, sore boobs, bleed for a week periods.   What was it like before?  I only bled once maybe twice a year unless the doctor started me up.. I would spot for weeks then have a good flow for a week, then nothing for the next several months.. I wasn't complaining, didn't want a baby right then so it was all good, but in the back of my mind I knew it wasn't, I knew I wanted more children one day. 
So back to present day, I had four good regular periods, then last month, nothing, I cramped for two weeks, but Aunt Flo never showed her face.  I was discouraged, we had decided now was the time to try again for that baby we so desperately want, and my body was failing me again.  I thought, all the hard work to lose the weight and in the end it did me no good at all..
So imagine my surprise when at midnight after another week of cramping I went to the bathroom and discovered..wait for it... yep Blood!  I may be one of the rare women who is thrilled to be bleeding...I welcome the cramps and bloating...it means my body is doing what it's suppose to do...Now we wait for the Infertility clinic to contact us so we can set up an appointment...I hate all the waiting involved in this, but if one day I get my Big Fat Positive it will all be worth it!
The logistics of trying to conceive in the Bush village of Alaska are scary, but I am hoping we can work it all out.  For those not familiar with it, I live in a village that is fly in and fly out only, except in the summer, we can take a boat to the nearest town, then still have to fly out to Anchorage.  In the winter by December or January we are able to drive on the ice road, but again still have to fly on to Anchorage.  So we decided to do the insemination at the clinic, but that may change if the doctors there think it's better to do it at home. We shall see.  I plan on having the baby in Anchorage as I can use a midwife and birthing clinic, I really wanted a home birth, but there are times here when you can't get out of the village, period no flights, no boats, no road and I think that is just too risky for my comfort level. So a birthing clinic is the next best choice.  I think I am skipping way ahead though, I keep trying to reign myself in with all the planning and what if's.. it's so hard though, baby thoughts are running through my brain all the time and we haven't even done one cycle here yet.