Well legal or not it's a possibility gotta love life in the bush! My swimmers have finally shipped and with any luck should arrive by no later then Friday. Assuming they arrive on time they will be delivered by our local UPS/FedEx pickup guy who always takes any packages addressed to me or Dh straight to his classroom....so there will be swimmers in the school.. more then there is normally...sitting next to my husband's desk while he teaches.. Awkward! LOL! Now I just have to hang in there for 3 more days and hopefully we will have everything we need and I can finally breath a sigh of relief! I told my friend A, that I'm not really sure why I keep getting upset and stressed, if it's meant to be everything will work out. She laughed and said "Yeah Right!" oh how I love her ability to understand and make me laugh! Intellectual meet heart, and guess what heart wins! Intellectually I know that if it's really meant to be it will all go ok, but that doesn't stop my heart from worrying that something will mess it all up! Hurry up swimmers and get here so we can make a baby together!
So clomid sucks but like I said before sooo worth it if my little one is coming from this! I am in pain everyday and I am staying away from drugs, with the exception of benedryl (my allergies love me for that!) which means I'm not taking any pain meds.. and it takes a lot of will power to stay away from pain pills by the end of the day! I've been substitute teaching this week, fourth grade which includes my two youngest boys and by the end of the day I just want to curl up on the couch! My swimmers are suppose to ship on Monday but apparently I gave NW the wrong credit card and so it didn't go through.. this means I have to get up at about 4 a.m. my time to call them Monday with the right number and hope they are still able to ship Monday! Still even with the little bumps it seems the stars are lining up for our baby to finally come home.
So having said all that how exactly do I believe the stars may finally be lining up for our sweet baby?
Reason #1: The extra pain of clomid seems to be nothing but good news that my ovaries are working hard to produce some beautiful eggs and that makes me very happy.
Reason #2: Early this cycle I had a dream and while most of my dreams are just that, dreams occasionally I have one that seems to actually mean something. Case in point 10 years ago one October morning I woke up and informed my husband I saw our baby, could see his sweet smiling face...we had tried that month to get pregnant so I thought that meant I was, when aunt flow showed her ugly face I decided the dream meant nothing, 2 weeks later Family Services called and asked if we would foster 4 children, 3 of them in diapers still. We said yes and the end of that week we went to the office to pick up the youngest of the four, a 6 week old little boy. When I pulled back the blanket I gasped and whispered to my husband, that is the baby I dreamed about! Now mind you they were suppose to be just foster children so I was very confused.. that little dream is now my ten year old very active son. He was born around the time I had the dream.
So back to present day, and why this dream was so different then the million other odd dreams I have been having lately. I dreamed I was in labor, everyone that was suppose to be there was and we were waiting for the big event, but nothing was progressing so we decided to go walking and me being a chick suggested we go to the Mall...while we were at the mall I began to freak out because my mom was with us, and she was a Sabbath keeper ( a Sabbath keeper keeps Saturday as a holy day). The dream very much focused on her being a Sabbath keeper (my mom is not a Sabbath keeper so that part made me really chuckle) . Why was this important, obviously the dream was trying to tell me that Saturday was an important day...flash forward to relating the dream to my mom.. I looked up what my due would be if I conceived this cycle...August 11th, 2012 which happens to fall on a Saturday! My mom got chills and I did too...
Reason #3: I couldn't really get that dream out of my head and it happened that a board I visited began a discussion on TTC psychics so I decided what the heck I'll give this lady (Cheri22) a try. She wrote me back and said she saw November as being either the month our son would be born in, the month he was conceived in, or the month we would find out. Ok so that confirmed my dream and the description she gave of our son was amazing! I wrote her back and told her how much our son sounded like us and how many genetic traits she had described when talking about him. I ended the letter with a request, I told her I didn't know how this all works, but if she happened to see him again, please tell him to hurry home and his name is M. She wrote me back and told me when she read his name, chills ran through her and that almost always meant our child was on his way immediately!
Reason #4: Things miraculously lined up for my friend. A and I have been friends since my youngest was not quite a year old. She has been there for me through the ups and down roller coaster that we rode to adopting them, she was there through our many failed attempts to get pregnant, and she was there when we decided it wasn't time anymore. We drifted apart, but somehow we found each other again and our friendship is stronger and better then it ever has been. Now we are both at a point in our lives where we are ready to try again, and while we have been at that point for over a year for various reasons it just kept not happening for either of us, we planned and talked, gave up and recommitted...and then we knew this month was going to be it for me and thought she would have to wait a couple more months due to a nasty evil cyst.. and then she found out the cyst was gone and she could try this month.. and because of how both our cycles run we will be just days apart in our insemination dates and our testing dates. It's so nice not to be walking this road alone and to know that someone is there, just a phone call away that gets it all and won't yell at me for complaining to much or crying too much, or not crying enough. Friends that last are such a rare find, and I have no doubt that this is a friendship that will last until we are both old grannies! I can't quite decide who I'm more excited for myself or her... I can't wait to hear that she has a BFP!
Having said all that, how am I gearing up for failure.. well honestly I'm not I am surrounding myself with positive energy and if somehow it ends up not being I will deal with that then. I know from experience everything has a reason and a time.. but I also am certain that this is our time, both of us...we are going to go through this journey together as only friends who have both struggled with TTC can!
Day 9 of the cycle has come and almost gone and a few odd things have occurred. I feel fat, as in my jeans are barely fitting, they are tight and uncomfortable..and since we haven't even gotten our little swimmers yet I know exactly what isn't the problem...which leaves me blaming clomid. I don't remember having this issue before when I was on clomid so it tends to make me a little nervous. Along with not hardly fitting my jeans (and I've actually lost a pound in the last 3 weeks..I checked today so it's not weight gain) I am also feeling quite crampy...that's not pleasant at all.. again don't remember this problem last time.. but I was quite a bit younger at the time so maybe that's it. Oh and yes I took gas pills just in case that was the issue.. it isn't! Then I did my pee on the OPK stick ritual.. and was shocked to find a smiley face staring back at me.. WTH? No way I am ovulating on day 9 of my cycle, a frantic call to a friend later and a cervical check and I'm fairly certain it's a false positive, I don't want false anything, I don't want false positives, false symptoms I want only the real thing is that really too much to ask? So here I sit, bloated, and crampy and freaked out and nothing to do about any of it but wait.. ewww
This post isn't for those lucky ladies who blink and get pregnant...you know like the one who conceived me, or the sisters that I am blessed to be surrounded by. It's nothing against you, in fact I am positively green with envy at your unique ability to accidentally get knocked up, I wish I were you! If you haven't had to try to get pregnant you can't imagine the mental games it plays with you! Right now I am watching time crawl by...I swear every day feels like a week right now...and when the clock is finished playing with me and we finally get to put the swimmers in, then my mind really gets to go into over drive...wake up feeling a bit nauseous... might be pregnant, feel a little extra sleepy.. might be a sign, have the sniffles, yep that could be it you might be pregnant.. heck even a fart could be that one little sign you are anxiously awaiting for... I swear I won't do it.. but deep down there is a little wicked voice laughing at my declarations, because it knows...when it comes to ttc we all go a little crazy! Waiting sucks, guessing sucks...trying to get pregnant really sucks...why couldn't I be like my sisters or mom and get pregnant from a wink!
After all the frustration of having to wait, the waiting is finally over....kind of... We are doing an at home insemination this month (my doctor is going to be out of town so he decided to just do another test run...we decided to make it a bit more then a test)! The swimmers are paid for and will arrive around November 18th..which is day 18 of my cycle, I ovulate on day 20-22...so lets just pray mother nature cooperates. Now we wait for me to ovulate, and for the swimmers to arrive in Akiak.. then we wait for them to make it to the egg and for that big beautiful positive sign to show up on the pregnancy test! I am surrounding myself with positive energy, no negative thoughts allowed, this is our month we will get pregnant this month! I bought a shirt for my youngest today, that felt amazing, especially after watching him with a little 10 month old that I babysat last week, all week.. He is going to be an awesome big brother and I can't wait to give him his shirt and tell him he is finally getting what he has been praying for since he was little! I won't reveal too many details about the shirt, but I look forward to showing him wearing it very soon....
This month has proved to be another month of ups and downs. Our doctor decided to do a test run of clomid to see if I would ovulate on my own with it, so I started 50mgs on day 3-7 and then began testing with an opk on day 8...I was certain nothing would come of it, and day after day of negatives confirmed my fears. Having PCOS means that tests like OPK's as well as pregnancy tests, don't work right, positives are just not something I get, ever. Then day 22 the impossible happened.. I found myself staring down at a smiley face!! Woohoo! Success!!
As giddy as I was you would have thought it was a positive pregnancy test! I called my doctor's office as soon as it opened (from school, I was substituting that day for the science/math teacher) and then the coaster plummeted back down....the doctor wants to do another trial run this next cycle as well, he won't be available to do an insemination and he wants to make sure I am regular. I explained that according to my temps I always ovulate around day 22..but that was that, he was going to be out of town and we would have to wait until December's cycle to do an insem. I am so tired of waiting.. I understand it, but hate it... then talked to hubby and he suggested that we do an in home insemination this month...I thought about it and thought, why not? No harm would be done, worse case scenario we don't get pregnant and it's money down the drain, but we both decided it was worth the try..there are no guarantees even doing it in the doctor's office that it will take..so this next month is it.. we will officially be trying....and if it doesn't work (and I am thinking positive thoughts right now.. one shot wonder!) then we will be trying the following month with the doctor! Wish us luck!
I posted last time about the frustrations of finding my tube blocked and was waiting on news for the rest. My doctor referred me to a physician closer to home, and he agreed to take my case on! The good news is that he is just one plane flight/boat ride/ ice road drive, away and that is going to cut our expenses tremendously down. The bad news is he is not a specialist, however my Anchorage doctor has agreed to consult with him on my case, and he has top fertility specialists from Washington that he is also consulting with. The hsg test revealed more then just a blocked tube, I also had some polyps in my uterus, so my new doctor brought me in and had those removed, fortunately they were small enough that he doesn't expect any scar tissue issues from them. My FSH test was great, my numbers he said were fabulous, but my progesterone test was a different story, no signs of me ovulating. This could be because Aunt Flow decided to show her face 12 hours after the test, ahead of schedule. This month we are doing a trial run of Clomid to see if he can get me to ovulate on my own, I took 50 mgs, on cycle days 3-7...I'm now on cycle day 16 and no positive OPK...I'm so frustrated some days I just want to cry, I want one thing to go right..just one! I feel so discouraged right now, like this is never going to happen, we are never even going to get to the point of having the two week wait.. I want to be crying over a failed cycle, not over the fact that another cycle has gone by with nothing happening at all. If I don't ovulate this month, then he is upping me to 100mg, and we will try again next month, but I am thinking of suggesting we actually do a HCG trigger this next month, enough experimenting, I want sperm in me and I want it now!
On another note, I was thinking of changing the tone of my blog, I really would like to start writing letters to my baby, I need something positive right now, negative energy is not going to help us meet the little soul that is waiting to join us. I decided to keep this blog as it is though, and start a different one, one entirely dedicated to our baby, and the journey to meet him or her. This blog will remain just my place to share my ups and downs.
I will include a link to that blog when it is up but may decide to make it private later. I am also including a link to my family blog on here, but please if you read there, respect our privacy we are not sharing with everyone our journey, so you will see no mention of fertility treatments or anything else over there, nor will you see a link to this blog there for the same reason, we went that route years ago, having so many people know and constantly asking us questions was painful and we choose not to do that again. It is just a simple family blog about our life in Bush Alaska.
