My friend laughed at me yesterday, said it was a bit backwards that I was starting college and trying to have a baby. Made me realize that this would be exactly what we preach against to kids all the times... students having babies, how hard it is to go to school with a baby. I think the biggest difference, besides the fact that I'm a bit older then most students (Don't pop my bubble, I try to pretend I'm still young!) is that I am doing my college online, so it is more at my own pace. In fact 3/4th of my Early Childhood Education class has small children or babies, so if they can do it so can I! I'm so excited to be back in school, a college degree is something I never thought I would have, never really wanted it too much, I am quite happy being a stay at home mom, however as I get older (there I admitted it!) and my husband gets older mortality and reality both show up on the big screen in HD quality! If something happened to my husband I want to know that I can give my children a good life, besides I preach education to my kids all of the time, now is the time to set a good example by finishing my own education. I am currently working on an Associate Degree in Early Childhood Education, but hope to finish with a Master's degree in Elementary education. I would love to teach Elementary school, those are some of my favorite years, besides the pre-school years ( I adore pre-schoolers!). Who am I kidding I pretty much love all but the teen years, and there are even some things about the teen years I adore!
So hopefully class now will help divert my attention to this horrible wait for my first appointment and relieve a bit of the blah's I've bee feeling lately!
The waiting is killing me, I feel like I'm in limbo right now, I want to have answers, dates, besides the date I have already of course. The longer I wait the more pessimistic I feel. I keep thinking why should this time be any different, am I just setting myself up for another round of disappointment and heartbreak? When I made the appointment and sent in all the paperwork I was so optimistic, now I am struggling to stay that way, and we haven't even started yet! I know things are much better then what they were in the fertility field, they know so much more now, I am healthier then I have ever been, but still it can't help feeling a bit like winning the lottery, and well I don't play because that's how bad my luck is in those kind of things! I am happy, I love my children and if I never give birth my world won't end, and I won't become a miserable unhappy person for lack of a baby, so why do I think it's a good idea to go here emotionally? Am I being fair to my family? Sigh, sometimes my brain really just needs to shut up! So today I am seeing the glass half empty, hopefully tomorrow it will be half full again!
